Diri ini Pasrah

Hai blog, dah lama juge aku tak meluahkan perasaan, hari nie aku di kelas, anak murid buat latihan mereka dan aku mengambil kesempatan utk mengungkapkan apa saje yang kini terbuku & terpendam dihati. Apalagi, masalahh aku dgn si dia berulang lagi, nampakanya dia kini lebih bersikap tidak peduli akan pendapat aku & tidak pandai untuk menjaga hati aku. Aku tidak pernah dipuji atau dihargai di depan anak, pembantu atau pun ahli keluarga yg lain. Diri ini terasa hina sekali bil aku mendapat tahu yang dia lebih meluahkan segala-galanya kepada si pembantu rumah drpd diri ini. Kemudian dia memilih utk tidak bersama ku semasa kemelut pembantu dgn ibu bapa ku terjadi, membiarkan ku terkapai-kapai seorang diri, kemudian dibelenggu dgn anak-anak yg perlu ditemankan & ditunjuk ajar kerana ujian & peperiksaan mereka akan menjelang.....aku sungguh stress, di saat-saat aku memerlukan dia hanya sekadar buat bodoh sahaja. maka aku pun menjadi seorang yg sungguh pendiam kerana aku sedar buat apa aku bercakap, kalau akhirnya menyakitkan hati ini!!!!!

http://cyberita.asia1.com.sg/luarnegara/story/0,3617,115122,00.html?

Pada pandangan saya, ....

Ulasan Akhbar Minggu 2 Penggal 2 2008

Pada pandangan saya,

Ulasan Akhbar Minggu 2 Penggal 2 2008

http://http://cyberita.asia1.com.sg/luarnegara/story/0,3617,115152,00.html?

Pada hemat saya, artikel tersebut banyak memaparkan ......

Kelas pagi

Hai, pagi ni ku mula kelas pagi untuk PDL ku, Kecoh juga suasananya, tetapi walau apapun kelas pagi dapat membolehkanku melakukan banyak perkara sebelah petang, lagipun aku tak lah asyik tidur sampai lewat pagi..........

I'm so,so,so, so,so.......hard broken

Hi blog, its been awhile, I know I am not suppose to write anything about him, but so just happened again and again. I felt so frustrated, I'm not sure how I felt, but I feel like quiting the relationship, its all over for me...I am beyond sadness, sorrow and disappointment with him and now just feel very angry, bitter and down right hatred of him, how can I let him treat me this way, I think he does not mean it when he say he is sorry or that he love me, coz all he want is status quo, as long as I satisfy his lust and physical intentions, he think he has the right to bully me again, I felt so damned cheated that I got conned again in his devious plan. Well, now I would not want to talk to him at all, I do not trust noe believe him anymore, I really meant what I said, I know he will be unresponsive as usual, knowing his passiveness, unromantic nature of him, I will just be as stone as he is. He thinks that when he done up the house he will get me back, well he is wrong coz I am so unemotionally detached right now that I felt at peace when I am alone, T am determine to be on my own no matter what, I have to embraced my new found freedom, identity and image. This is because he is such a negative person to begin with, so unsympathetis, a person without soul, empathy nor understanding. When he thinks that everything is OK, he will always become so down right arrogant, egoistic and cold accusing me of not using my brain cells when I talk or I will not be safe in live if I do not succumbed to his wishes, Well, let it be....I am not afraid to be alone............

My True Pain

I am crushed to the bones thinking about what had happened. I’ve never expected to marry someone who is evidently a wife abuser in the making. Why is the question that time and time again appeared endlessly in my mind. How could someone who said that he loves me could hurt me emotionally and physically after almost ten years into the relationship. Do I deserve this? I was really in pain due to the backache but I suffered a terrible blow out of nowhere and now my heart ache is even more painful than my lower back pain. He was right, he is not like my dad but worst that him. My dad used to slapped and hit my head against the wall but he could do that coz he had the right to. But coming from my own husband is something I do not think I can accept. His actions were indeed prove that he could not uphold the advice during our solemnization ceremony. Can’t he remember that he should protect me and not lay his hands on me????? Well, I finally realized that I could not depend on him to protect me. I can’t even look myself in the mirror, me with those bold eye bags and the bloodshot in my right eye reminds me about the incident. I could also feel till now the slight uncomfortable sense of feeling from my inner right gum when I speak or chew my food. The blow was indeed excruciating, just thinking of it could make my heart grow numb. In fact, I am still teary eyed when I occasionally and visibly pictured the whole thing. Anyway it just happened days ago and I can’t let it go just yet.

It’s all my fault. I did not observe all the signals. Though I remember several occasions when he demonstrated the same negative traits, I refused to admit them and chose to instead ignore them. I am so foolish. But this incident is the last straw. I can no longer continue the emotional and physical abuse. He should know that I was not raised to be emotionally stable, I am sensitive, I am from young a silent sufferer, I would not express myself to anyone, I’m usually alone in my room and would always imagine that I would finally be happy if I am married to someone who really loved me. But it was not meant to be. Currently, I am back to my former lifestyle, alone in the room, doing things by myself and trying to fill up my time. I will ensure my room is cozy, but then again this room reminded daily about how he has treated me so far. Such as the broken mirror on the wardrobe, that happened two years ago, again it occurred almost about the same time, nearing to our wedding anniversary.

How can he pretend as though nothing has happened??? How can he pretend that everything can be back to normal again after what he has done to me???? How can he possibly think by trying to be close to me or trying to massage me after two nights (which I think it is too little to late) or trying to pick up and send me to work like usual would make me open up again to him. It’s not that I am not grateful but I cannot just let go and later give him the impression that everything is OK because it’s actually not. I will not know if I could ever forgive him for what he has done to me!!!!!!!!. Or maybe I could heal with time, forgive him in time but I definitely will not forget what has happened. 10 Nov, 2007, about 1am, will go down forever in my memory………Though he has said he is sorry after slapping me, I could not sense the remorse, sincerity or guilt in his voice. I no longer trust him. I no longer trust his label of so called religious knowledge that has shaped him to be very egoistic, hard hearted and cruel. I supposed his belief would be that all wives must be subjected to all wimps and fancies of a husband. I don’t really know whether this is true. However, what is more important, is that, what is done cannot be undone…… Probably he would think I am selfish and individualistic, but I have the right to my own happiness, I tried to reach out to him, to accept his changed ways but I realized that my effort has not been appreciated all these while. And when I am in pain, the time when I needed him the most, he just ignored and did nothing. I wanted him to be with me when I am in pain, to feel the pain, to have his empathy, compassion, passion, to really react like an understanding, caring and concern husband but what do I get instead, a tight slap……. At times I wonder where did I go wrong…. In fact I did ask him to massage my back when I returned home, but he chose to nag at me, then again I thought he would treat me when he got back, but he did not. Thinking that he was under a lot of stress because of the exam, I SMS him to get his motivation and spirits up. Thinking that he would do the same to me when he got back, I’ve tried not to think about the pain in the meantime by reading a novel but he threw it away, thinking that I was emotional because of it and questioned me about my reading choices. How could he???? He then asked me what can he do…Why is he asking the obvious, naturally I wanted him to be by my side instead he chose the easy way out, wanting to send me to the hospital. Fortunately, the children and the two maids were asleep and I do not think they heard the commotion. I screamed, cried my whole heart out but to no avail, he just turned a blind eye. If he would immediately come to my aid, profess his sincere apology when I was emotional, really tries his best to make things right back then, things will definitely be better. But no, he just ignored me……If the children were to witness the whole incident I would never forgive myself for making them confused and disturbed. I’ve noticed their pain when my husband and I quarreled the other day, and I really pitied them. Then again, I figured my husband would not observed such things

Well, one thing for sure, things won’t be the same again….I knew I’ve lost my real husband forever when he did mentioned the last time that he has changed. Gradually, he has changed so much from his attitude, his outlook as well as his fashion sense. Ironically, when I first get to know him I admired him for his strong principles and I did not expect him to sway so easily and change till this way. But I did think I deserved the slap for wanting very hard to experience the unforgettable but yet memorable 10th wedding anniversary which is not meant to be….The incident will go down in my life history as the most visibly painful experience. I have to accept the fact that my truly beloved husband will not be backed in my life. I believe my former husband who loved me very much would not leave me alone miserably in pain.

When was the last time he send me flowers? When was the last time he make me really laugh? When was the last time we did things together? When was the last time we did things as a family and enjoyed ourselves? When was the last time we go off for a holiday as a couple? When was the last time he pulled on surprises on me? He assumed to be spontaneous but he lacked the creativity or initiative to shower his love to someone like me. Frankly, I can’t even remember when was the last time I’ve enjoyed my own wedding anniversary, bad experiences always appeared each time the period approaches, I think the honeymoon to Turkey was the only time that I treasured the most. I should not expect anything or do I have the right to expect anything ??? That should be the crucial question……..Any relationship should be sowed and invested but the reality is I am not important to care especially things pertaining to my feelings. I don’t see him interested in any materials to enrich our relationship or any effort to at least try to understand my point of view about giving importance to your spouse’s interests and feelings . At times I feel envious when I see a family walking happily in shopping centers and other places, but I learnt to accept that this will rarely or won’t even happened in my family. That’s why the kids would rather be with me when we are out than with him. But these things do not bother him, instead of planning outings for them when he is free, or try to reach out to the kids, he would be busy with his own schedules and stuff, casting the children and now me aside. My children now also look forward to be out with their grandparents rather than with him during school holidays. Who would blame them for that???? By just staying at home watching TV with the kids to him is already quality time, but why can’t he play with them outside, teach them a sport or two, read to them or go the museum, science centre or other learning places, at times I do wonder……

I will promise to take care of myself and not be depended on him. I will try my best to persevere in my future endeavours and have the interest of my children, their upbringing and future are in my hands. And as for him, he who always used the phrase ‘I love you’ loosely without knowing the deepest meaning, actually he is not in love with me. If he really love and care for me he would not treated me badly, he would practiced self-control or he would changed for the better after he said his sorry. But on the contrary he has not. He probably would think he has accommodate things for me but I strongly believed if he really love me these accommodation would not be considered as sacrifices at all but be truly happy for me to do it for the sake of our happiness together. It has been a roller coaster ride from the beginning, especially from the moment he said he has changed and his conscious is clear, and me being foolish have time and time again forgive him hoping that he will changed for the better and not hurt me but it was not meant to be. Well probably when he slapped me his conscious was very clear, to inflict pain on me coz I deserve it. This is my truest feelings…I can’t say more or less, I am stuck in this unhappy situation but I intend to move on and let time heal the pain in my heart………………….Just by writing this I feel better already but would he eventually know or understand my pain???????? I doubt so………

Hak ninda untuk mencari kebahagian

Jumpa lagi blog, pagi tadi, lebih kurang jam 1 pagi, ninda telah ditampar di pipi kanan oleh dia. Tersentak dan cukup hiba hati ninda mengenangkan keadaan ninda pada waktu itu. Niinda dlm keadaan yang cukup sakit, lebih tepat lagi sakit pinggang, mungkin kerana ninda tidak bersenam dgn betul, ataupun mungkin tidur malam semalamnya kurang enak kerana berkongsi katil, ditambah dengan duduk yang agak lama memeriksa kertas. Ninda hanya mahu dia menunjukkan keprihatinanya, namun sepakan yang ninda dapat. Oleh itu, tindakannya kali ini melampau sangat, dan ninda berjanji yang ninda tidak akan kembali kepada dia sepenuh hati, ninda dah cukup tawar hati dgn dia, ninda ada hak untuk mencari kebahagiaan, dia tidak layak menjadi suami ninda, dia kejam dan tidak berperikemanusiaan. Novel ninda pun dicampakkannya, adakah ini perbuatan seseorang yang dikatakan mempunyai pengangan agama yang kuat!!!!. Sebenarnya, label agamanya telah membuatnya cukup ego, lupa diri dan tidak berhati perut. Ye memang, inilah peluang terakhir, ninda tidak akan berdiam diri, ninda mahu dia lepaskan ninda dari penderitaan ini, ninda dambakan, impikan dan mimpikan kebahagiaan yang hakiki, memang cabarannya cukup kuat, kerana anak2 ninda terpaksa mengahrungi ini semua, tetapi satu hari nanti ninda akan bebas dan gembira.....Insyallah......

Post Raya Blues

Hai blog, ninda sekrg kemaruk sgt tengok siri Gol dan Gincu Season 2 di You tube dan bukan di TV channel Suria. Ninda shiok juge, sampai malas sgt nak buat keje admin yang cukup berlambak. Ninda juga dah register dlm Facebook, cube nak try2.......Pasal keje, entah tak tau bile nak start, tak de mood,mungkin krn keadaan ninda ini agaknye..... lagi pun berat badan pun nak naik, hai mcn mane, tidaknya nind asyik lapar sahaja tiap-tiap mlm, makan aje kuih raya dn lain-lain. Jadi tadi, ninda sembunyikan smua kuih raya didlm almari krn kalau nampak abislah, tak boleh ninda control, ninda juga dah mula gi amore, yelah nak resume balik exercise, kalau boleh sampai 4-5 kali seminggu, kerana ninda rasa sejak akhir2 ini, badan dah membuak, tadi juga edi amore ade si instruktur yg kate, punggung dan peha ninda dah naik, essh....malunye....Hai inilah situasi ninda slpas raya, semuanya naik, belanja naik, badan naik, kerje bertambah alahai....................